Here

I’ve had a lot to say lately, which is surprising since I haven’t posted here in months.

My mind is so scattered, my temper so high, that I can’t commit to a single essay topic or formulate a long-form cohesive argument. Lately, I’ve found catharsis in shorter, angrier spurts on social media. My partner lovingly pointed out the other day that my internet presence consists entirely of cute photos of our daughter and angsty political rants. He’s not wrong. This is where I am right now.

So that’s what I’m writing about today. About this phase of life and how some days it feels like a shit show. How other days I feel like I won the lottery (not literally, I still have no money).

 

The dark side feels like this:

I’m an imposter. I suck at my job and I’m not giving enough of my energy to make a real difference. Or, I’m trying too hard and it’s totally fucking useless because it’s an endless uphill battle.

I don’t spend enough time with my kid and I’m an awful mom because I can’t take her to library story time on Wednesday at 11am. She’ll probably grow up to resent me for this.

I’m awkward and unpolished around new people. Or, I’m too obnoxious and forward and people hate that.

I get too political without actually doing enough to affect change.

I’m going through the motions, looking at my phone too much, not enjoying the last beautiful days of the year before it turns too cold.

I’m not spending enough time doing things for myself. Or, I’m too inwardly focused and not present enough for my husband and friends.

Oh yeah, I’m a pretty shitty friend. (And sister and daughter and granddaughter and godmother). I have close friends I haven’t talked to in weeks or months.

I don’t read enough. (Thank you Google for clarifying those literary references I SHOULD get).

I have neither the time nor resources to keep my house the way I’d like. Or, I do and I just don’t use them effectively.

 

The light side feels like this:

My daughter regularly says, “Mommy, I love you so much,” and my insides swell up with so much joy I literally feel like I could explode.

I can be silly and spontaneous with my kid and it lightens my mood almost immediately.

I’m totally slaying this working mom thing. I’m focused during the day and totally concentrated on my family in the evenings and on weekends.

I’m slowly building my professional network and the collegiality feels damn good.

I’ve managed to slog through a few household projects and this 116 year old pile of bricks ain’t too shabby.

Somehow Scott and I are finding time for ourselves and each other every now and then.

Thank the LORD for Face Time so I can stay in close touch with my newborn niece and my sister.

Trump isn’t actually going to win so I can stop stress eating and worrying about how I’m ever going to find the time to learn French. Or Swedish. Or Japanese.

No one else actually knows what they’re doing either so I’m in good company. Or company, anyway.

I’m not putting this out there because I need a pat on the back or words of encouragement. I have no intention of setting out on some massive self-improvement to-do list that’s going to make it all better. It just feels good to acknowledge all of my fear and anxiety alongside my joy and fulfillment.

Boom. Entry written. Have a good day.

 

–Heather

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